Friday, June 1, 2007
sigh
sometimes i wonder,
i study so hard, i seriously am quite stupid, i take so long to study.. and i just pass.
i have violin lessons, honestly i didnt practise much, but each time i concentrate. i only pract about half an hour? and only like 3 times a week? and when i went for lesson on tuesday, he was very pleased with my progress. wow i can see you've put in a lot of effort and making good progress. you know violin is what built my confidence again. god's gift. i had such low self esteem.. and it was only through music that i became 'popular', confident, i was forced to go for concerts and all that.. i guess only my music teachers compliment me. thats all the compliments i get. i don't even have the urge to do music, if i dont practise for a month i'm okay. i think. so that makes me wonder. do i even have the passion for music? well i do like it. its nice, i practise, i get results. but i dont love it. at least i dont think i do. i feel a sense of belonging when i hear music, when i go to esplanade, when i just do anything musical that i used to do.. but is that loving music?
i'm only doing medicine now, because i got in. i think. i dont have that burning passion to study medicine. but if you think about it again, i have no burning passion for ANYTHING. not even music and that is really quite screwed up rachel. where's your goal? what do you want with your life? i have another 10 plus years to go for medicine and oh well. i don't know. i guess i'll just go with it and take things as it is. but its not what my heart desires. my heart seems to be inactive most of the time. i've only "activated" it with emmanuel and probably my violin competition last time. thats all. sigh. this is so bad, but do i love my parents? honestly we do have famiy lunches yeah, holidays. but thats it? i know they love me because.. they look after me? they care for me? they stand up for me in school and in my music society? and thats all. oh yes. they send me around. but i dont feel the love love. sigh, this is rather screwed.
if you asked me to leave the world and go to another place now.
what will i miss?
seriously.
renee sean emmanuel
anyone else? anything else? anyplace else?
i don't know.
probably not
nothing much in my life is so precious to me.
leaving mg, was bit sad but i dont miss it so much
leaving singapore, tell me about it. i only miss the food. not really my family, not that much. not really my friends, syo, anything.
stopping syo, i guess yeah i did miss a little. the friendships made, the playing music together.. yeah probably that
if you asked me to leave melbourne now and go to the states.
you know what?
i might just go.
i dont think i'll miss my friends all that much, i dont really have very very close bonds with them. not to the extent that i'll miss them.. sigh this is bad i know. but i just am not connected.
if you ask me to stop medicine now,
sure. i dont know what i'll miss. maybe nothing.
if you ask me to die now.
the only concern is if i'll go hell. i dont think i love life so much, that i'll be devastated.. sigh my life is empty.
Lord, thank you for giving me the gift of music.
i feel so happy playing church songs, really.
singing worship songs, just makes me so glad
i'll just sing, until my throat hurts.
and i've never gotten a sore throat from that.
how cool?
i don't know what i want with my life.
i'm just doing what i'm doing.
3:32 PM.
