Monday, May 14, 2007
we were talking about last year.
i was such a bitch. my goodness.
damn bitchy.
how could i cut his heart? sheesh rachel.
you don't deserve him at all.
not at all.
what was i thinking last year?
no boyfriend. maybe he was just crushing, maybe it'll go away, i was a coward. afraid of breaking my heart, afraid of going against my parents, afraid that he might stop loving me after i started showing my love, afraid i wasn't going to see him again if i dont get into medicine, afraid army would be dangerous to us.. dots man. coward indeed. lame shit.
honestly i dont know HOW i forced him out of my mind. everything he did, i just took it as "normal", it came naturally. coming over to my room, sleeping on my bed, walking to school each day, i took him as if he was just another friend. i cared so much about him, but at the same time i was doing well concealing and pretending that i didn't.. i really dont know how, as i think of it now. i was sleeping through it all. thank you God for making him love me so much.. i really dont know what to do without him. i don't deserve it at all. praise the lord.
=)ChEm(= thank you lord for rachel, she's such a precious gift hope you'll be my first and last.i will.
10:37 PM.
