Wednesday, May 23, 2007
sigh
i'm glad he started to talk things out with me, as in his thoughts. about straying away from God, about where he'll be posted to after OETI, what if the world ends really soon etc.
because of that, i thought, i thought i could share what i feel too.
but somehow, i realise i shouldn't have.
it only made me more sad.
like i spoke about God and stuff, but i felt like i'm being too holy or something? like boasting.. i can imagine him saying "dots" after reading.
you know when he says "dots", it just spoils everything?
it's just that "whatever" meaning and hello? do you really have to be so honest with your girlfriend?
i don't think there's any difference whether i'm talking or other people are talking, you just respond the same way.
and you know that affects me.
like i have to be careful with what i say? or better still, i shouldn't bring it up at all. because why? you make me feel worse.
its different when others say something. if you do, it hurts more.
"dots" sometimes just slaps me in the face, i get stunned and realise you don't care about what i just said.
so whats the point of even saying anything?
i don't want to be an overly-sensitive girl, i try to be accomodative, i try not to make things difficult, i try to understand why you do certain things, that's why i don't complain.
it's not that you're all that perfect, you are indeed very close to perfect but you aren't, i know you know that too. no one is.
i make it easy for you to say your true feelings, you can get angry at me, just tell me why, i'll take it.
but for you? i don't know man. should i tell you? but again, what if you say "dots" or lame. i mean, come on! i'm trying to tell you something, and you just brush me aside by those words?
you know it hurts me? sigh.
like just now, i thought he could be different, especially since he's my boyfriend. that he'll listen to me. he'll try and understand me. but instead, what does he say? "dots. why do you care about such things?" its like saying. sigh rachel, small thing also you affected, dont bother me with your small worries man. just forget about it and it'll all be okay. what? how could you. you know i was saying things from my heart? i never told anyone about how i felt about that, but i thought i could tell you.. and thats how you respond to me? and i said sigh nevermind. change topic. and yeah there, the topic changed immediately. just like that? my goodness. i don't know what you want me to do. i don't know whether to tell you, i don't want to add to your worries. sigh.
like among the trinity meds, especially pj and kelvin kee.. they're always saying how lousy we are, like how we actually enter med through "backdoor" (trinity)no doubt it is slightly easier to gain entry but it was still brillant effort
and its like, they always go on about how losers we are, just run away from singapore so that we can survive
who call u all losers?
as in pj and kelvin la. they say all that assuming that we all agree with them
so u all agree?
and they always ask "if not then tell me why you went to trinity!" not expecting a reply of course
hahaha
but honestly right, i actually left singapore because UOM was better than singapore for medicine
u wud have entered NUS also, i know u cud
thanks dear
u are smart and get the things u want done
but UOM is better than NUS, thats why i left singapore, at least thats what my parents had in mind. so everytime they talk like that i just feel knotted up its like i don't agree myself that i really cannot make it if i stayed in singapore. but then, its not like i'm doing fantastic at the moment, so i can't say anything.
dots
why bother about this nonsense?
so do well since u are there
its not that i'm so bothered about it la, but its like they're telling you right in the face, expecting your agreement that you are such a hopeless case ( including themselves la)
for me right? i will just laugh with themnot that terrible wad
yup i know thats what i do but.. sigh nevermind. your headache really bad?
not really, after i turned the aircon on :)
i've been thinking more lately about us thats why things are like that, i want to convince myself and make sure everything is good. i want to know our relationship inside out. i want to make sure i go through all the reasons why i shouldn't get attached. you know what i mean? like i have to be prepared, think about our good and bad points. could i possibly be a more serious thinker than you? i think i'm more serious. you always try to laugh it away. to make things sound as though it's alright. well i don't know if thats such a good idea all the time.
my internet isn't working, i smsed him, he hasn't replied. not on either lines. it's been.. half an hour? sigh i don't know man.
i'm quite disappointed in stuff.
finally managed to get online. saw his offline messages, yeah indeed he went to bed already before my sms. alright then.
study? or sleep?
11:53 PM.
