Saturday, May 19, 2007
e14 celebrated my birthday today! with aaron and mabel. had fun yes! but i don't know why i've been feeling so "blur", stoning, and just sian. well okay maybe not sian but i just feel like i'm not here. my body is but i'm not.
i'm not happy happy. there's something missing. something is wrong somewhere. i'm too stressed out. glad mummy say no violin teacher forget it la. don't stress. now gotta get my prof's signature for my short leave of absence. i know i'm taking a freaking damn long time, emmanuel will never do things like this, i need to change man. don't keep delaying things. sheesh man rach.
went to get my book from the hotel-conceirge. as i was walking back, i was thinking of how my convo will or might turn out with mummy/daddy. i'm going to push it in june. i think that's the thing to do, but it really needs alot of courage. i want to do it now, but i know when its that time, i'd be having alot of problem. like i need to gather my courage and need the lord to help me. i cannot blank out, i cannot forget my points, i cannot let her stump me. i mustnt be intimidated.. please help me have the right words to say. i don't know how far i can go into this 'argument', but i need to push it. it's scary thinking about it, but i don't want to be a coward anymore. you suck rachel. i havent really fought with my parents before, how good am i man. seriously if you think about it, the fact that i want to bring this issue up with them again, is that i'm trying to get to an agreement man. i want to convince them. i want their approval. if i really hecked, i could easily just continue hiding from them. but i really don't want this. god. help me. i really really think i should bring it up. i want to. i will. should i tell emmanuel before i do? what if i chicken out, sheesh i wont right. should i just tell him after its done? i'd really need to meet him man. sigh.
i realised, convos with my parents are getting boring. this is so wrong. i feel so bad, i'm such a horrible daughter. i suck man. argh. like when i talk to them, they're always in a hurry to say bye. probably they think they're wasting my time and would rather i go and study. when i tell them things, most of the time i feel that they're just "listening": oh okay. and yah change topic immediately. sigh. i feel envious of melissa honestly. see the way she talks to her mum on the phone, such like a good friend.. they're really close. her mum doesn't mind calling even. how nice is that? i dont know how to explain. she'll most likely allow her and kelvin too. sigh. she's such a lucky girl. such close parents, boyfriend, smart, pretty, artistic. cool girl.
8:30 PM.
