Tuesday, April 3, 2007
i think i ain't girlfriend material.
i really don't think so, and i hate myself.
why can't i be a good, sensitive, intelligent girlfriend? why?
what the hell is wrong with you rachel
it's like, i know i've got such a great boy,
i really love him
but.. i keep making mistakes.
damn you, why?
are you that dumb? are you so insensitive?
i'm beginning to think, so what if you're talented? you're good at music and academics.. but you can't be a good enough girlfriend. so you're going to spend your whole life as a spinster? no one is going to want you. and.. that's just so sad. you're such a sad case rach!
sheesh, even my words such so childish. what the heck is wrong with you?
last night he was obviously not himself, but rachel, you just didn't ask why. WHY? i don't know really. why rach? why? please tell me. WHY.
i thought he was angry at me, because he always told me when he was angry at something else. i was afraid of pissing him off more. he was so hyped over dota and whatever i spoke, was like nothing. it made me not want to talk, and besides, i think i had tried my best to speak on things that happened to me yesterday.. i wanted to start a conversation. in my head, his words were ringing "can you please say something? why are you so boring today?" it just kept coming on and i was so exhausted on words as well as mentally. in the end, i couldn't do anything and we just kept quiet. that is just so so wrong. but i didn't ask him why. i tried to ask him some stuff, about army.. he just answered slip short-ly and that was that. i figured maybe he didnt feel like talking. so would you really want your girlfriend to keep pressing on.. i thought you just wanted someone who could understand that sometimes, you need a rest too. maybe it was an exhausting day for you and you just didn't really feel like talking, nothing was troubling you either.
i guess that was just too many maybe-s?
i hate myself when i make all these stupid mistakes.
he always says that if we do break up, it'll all be my fault.. he's so certain he will never make any mistakes. i don't doubt him but in truth, i am afraid. really i am, of making mistakes. i'm not about to blame it on it being my first relationship because that is probably just trying to run away from the blame. i do blame myself. yes i do. when he gets angry at things, i realise that it was wrong of me. if it was me i would get angry too.. but why the hell didn't you know it before and manage to stop all these in the first place? why are you so STUPID. you're just so.. omg. i'm so scared, that he'll break up with me. i know he said he wont but. i understand it can't be helped when you have a stupid girlfriend who keeps on making mistakes. such a perfect guy like you, deserve better.
god, please help us.
it's good that he brought it up, so i know.. and didn't keep it in because, it'll only cause more harm in the future. god please help us to resolve it and grow deeper in our relationship. please help me to become a better girl. please lord.
6:52 PM.
