Tuesday, March 27, 2007
it was fun yes, because we all managed to gather together again.. to have fun.. but everytime i say or think about "yeah we had fun at zelina's place", i just think of emmanuel's words "all the gatherings at zelina's house are very fun, very memorable..." and i just feel crap. shit rachel, why are you so like this. i can't explain myself but i don't like this rachel and i know emmanuel won't like this me too.. sigh. both of us got her a jacket from country road, while the rest bought a swatch watch for her. emmanuel went with sherlyn and wilcent to get the watch.. and they were deciding between 2 of them. the other was the same kind as mine but blue. so emmanuel said "rachel has that watch" x) they understood and yeah, decided to get the other one then. my darling rocks my world =)
played many games of bridge there.. finally the rest knows how to play! hurray. before emmanuel left for the airport, we played together and won one round really very very pro-ly. we got like the Aces, King, Queen, Jack amongst us.. pro sia? haha =) and a few times, when douglas and i were fighting for the bidding part, i gave up and emmanuel backed me up. coolio. my boyfriend just rocks the world. at about 2pm plus, we went downstairs to send emmanuel off.. it was the spur of the moment but yeah i wanted to follow him to the airport, and i did.
at the airport, after all the checking in.. we went to hudsons coffee and had hot chocolate. it was there, i remember clearly, that i promised to look after zelina for him. i did hurt, inside me.. listening to him talk about her.. but i knew that i was just being crazy, involuntarily feeling like that so i tried to conceal it of course.. dang rach.
look after zelina alright? she cared so much about us last year.. and this year just because she's in a different university doesn't mean that we forget about her. we mustn't let her feel like we don't want to be friends with her anymore or we forget about her.. or else she'll think that we're not real friends.. something like that la. but it just feels so.. sucky. like my boyfriend telling me to look after another girl for him. sigh yes i know it's not like that but.. that's the feeling i get which i don't want to get because i know i shouldn't! this is not right rachel. sometimes i just imagine what it'll be like if i said the things he said about her to him and change the subject to another guy.. like if i tell him to look after shaojie or wilcent or something.. will he feel this way too?
about 4:15pm he had to go in already. flight at 5pm.. as i was letting him go, i could feel tears welling up in my eyes. it wasn't that much but i could feel it.. and i was desperately trying to control myself. i know he could see too and he was probably also controlling? i don't know. but the previous night, he cried. my first time seeing my baby cry like that, staring at me and after a while, see the tears slowly accumulate in his eyes. am i being sick or what? but i really liked seeing him like that.. that's so wrong but.. it just gives me a warm feeling.. and i feel so in love with him.. really sick rachel. As I walked away, it occurred to me.. that i'd never felt like that before, i'd never felt sad or cried when i said goodbye to someone.. not this much. the last time i felt close to this was perhaps when i left singapore for the first time, the beginning of last year.. i was such a lucky girl. about 40 people came to send me off. rachel? 40 PEOPLE. just tell me how many others are so fortunate? and i didn't really feel all that sad.. i was happy to get away and was indeed looking forward to going to melbourne.. starting a new life. independent.. mummy said my eyes were a little red, but that was probably because i was telling myself that i should be feeling sad at that moment, so just a teeny bit of tears started welling up but it was almost nothing.. was i taking people for granted?
i just didn't have what i wanted
although many people admired and envied me,
i don't think i really was all that a happy girl..
probably just neutral-feeling, as i wasn't "that" sad either
2:46 PM.
