Tuesday, March 27, 2007
cherlyn still loves him.
i know i shouldn't be worried or anything but then.. i can't help feeling uneasy when he said he's going to meet her. i don't know. i'm just so retardedly afraid and scared of losing him to other girls.. even though my brain knows that he'll not be swayed easily but my heart just can't help feeling tensed..
many times i've wondered if he feels the way i do, like i'm here in melbourne, with so many guys around.. will he get afraid that i'll like someone else instead? somehow. i feel that there's nothing much for him to worry.. because the guys i'm hanging out with, are from trinity and they know emmanuel and that we're together.. they won't dare do anything. and besides, i don't like them at all. But somehow, I'm afraid of him in singapore. not that i'm overly concerned at the moment but.. yeah the girls he's around, don't know me.. and probably won't even care that he's attached already, still continue flirting with him or something.. SIGH. like now cherlyn messages him, talks to shirlene, meeting him.. i know he's said it millions of times that he doesn't like her anymore but.. i just hope nothing happens.. will he give in? he's so soft hearted.. The difference between the girls around him and guys around me is.. the guys around me do not flirt with me. they know i'm attached and yeah okay, leave me alone. and when i say leave me alone, they really leave me alone alone. but then the girls with him are different! they'll still talk to him, flirt with him etc.
i told him about andrew liking me last year and yeah he seemed a little disturbed, just a little.. and coupled to that, he realised andrew was acting weird when he was in melbourne.. and he thought i was purposely avoiding andrew or something like that and told me to be nice to him, seeing that andrew is so "troubled" looking these days.. but i told him, that he was only like that those few days when he was around.. i don't know if it was merely coincidence? that that happened to be a very busy and stressful week for him.. or was he actually uncomfortable seeing emmanuel and i.. but this issue doesn't really bother me so yeah.
i know he doesn't like zelina, and i don't think zelina likes him either but.. i really can't help it lar. i'm so paranoid, afraid that he'll like her or vice versa.. ARGH rachel, please control yourself. stop being selfish. damn you. for example the last time when he heard that zelina was angry because no one replied about her birthday party.. he was so sad. i mean, yes it's reasonable and i should really empathize with her.. well i honestly was feeling a little sad for her and extremely guilty that i didn't reply either but.. seeing him feeling sad for her.. i felt.. jealous? just a little, nothing much but.. it's just a weird feeling and its just SO BAD RACH. she's your friend too! stop being so paranoid alright.
sometimes i just hate myself so much.
2:34 PM.
