Monday, February 26, 2007
first day of school today.
nothing much, really. the 2 lectures were only 1 hour each, or more like 50 min only.. and the lecturer spends that amount of time on 2 pages only! just learning about basic cell stuff now, which we learnt in trinity last year already so.. still quite slack la! =)
sigh, i feel so troubled.
talked to mummy on a "general mood" and she says get married only after 30. haha wow? how late is that and i can only date someone who has established a career? my goodness what's this man.. MUMMY, i have a life too! once i'm 21, i can make my decisions! feels so sucky you know.. honestly, i'm in such a mess.
with emmanuel, i just hope that we'll be a mature couple who can withstand everything.. like now, sometimes i get afraid that we only like the intimate times because most of what we talk about are about them. but then again, i don't know right, how it'd be in other normal daily situations because we haven't gone through much of those..
and i don't think i can keep hiding from my parents, especially when i've to talk to him every day, see him so often.. it sucks. i feel like crying, it's making my life so insecure, making me feel so guilty. Haiz it just sucks so much okay. am i going against my God too, since i'm disobeying my parents. My goodness, how. how. why is it like this?
when he comes over after 2 years. are we going to lie in bed together each night? it just seems.. so wrong. we're not married yet my goodness. i feel so guilty, i'm such a bad girl. loose girl? omg. so what am i to do? it really sucks you know, this whole thing, our relationship.. well but i love him and its great that he loves me so much too.
i'm really so young. 17 only? its like.. another how many years till i'm 21?? at least if i'm 21 i can say i'm an adult already, and if my grades are still good.. and i want to have a relationship.. sigh. i don't know how i'm going to keep this up all the way till 21 at least. IT SUCKS, i can't stress that enough. maybe, if we keep everything lower in profile, it'll be easier. like, we don't have to talk each night, won't messaging do? it's not that i don't enjoy talking but.. it puts so much stress on me, and i'm always so worried about it.. couple of things la. haiz
you won't know how hard it is,but so what if you do know right?i'm living.. in such fear, that i occasionally feel so insecure whether all this.. is worth it.
7:32 PM.
